Eye Candy

Some days I feel like I work in the only place that charges me $600 a year to park only to drive around and NOT get a parking spot. Love walking 4 blocks in 30 degree weather - up HILL. I need some drop it like it's hot eye candy!

These are not my pictures nor do I have the source. If I did I would gladly credit the source because these spaces are fanfreakingtastic! Gorgeous! Beautiful! Bravo!

Totally feeling the black/white/beige with green accent LOVE!

the D word consumes me

I haven't blogged in ages. There is so much I just don't know where to begin. My head is filled with anxiety and my heart is broken. The sleepless nights are back. Finally the no-appetite is back! The panic and racing heart is back. The always on the verge of panic because you know something is going to happen to come along and knock me on my ass. I feel like I take two steps forward and 10 steps back. I dread the coming holiday's. I'm sick with grief knowing that last year we spent the holiday apart from each other yet this year we'll likely be apart again although not by distance. Not sure how to describe it really. As the marriage counselor said "you can only control yourself and your actions." I can't control that he doesn't want to be married to me. I can't control that he is angry and wants to dwell on words said in heated arguments. I can't control that he feels my family is all conspiring against him. I can't control that despite being gone for the past 18 months he chose school over coming to my surgery and my sons birthday. He could have left school early or worked something out but as he said "he just didn't feel the need to because he didn't want to be there." I guess all I can control is myself and my feelings with all of this. The fact that he wants a divorce without even trying is killing me. I wish he would stop being so selfish and stubborn but I can't control him or his feelings. I can only control myself.

The "D" word consumes me. I hate even saying it. Thinking it is worse. I've been down that long ugly road and I know what it entails. Sleepless nights, lonely holidays crying yourself to sleep because your ex has the kid, missed birthdays, missed 1st day of school, the list goes on and on. I've lived through it and it is hell. He seems almost thrilled by the possibility of not having my son and I around. It's as if he can just forgot about us and it's himself, the two kids we have and his family. It hurts. The pain is unbearable at times. Does he really think that is what divorce is? Just start all over again and everything works out fine? So after a few months he's ready to call it quits? That's where I call bullshit.

I'm putting the blame where it belongs. That stupid fucking ridiculous long pain in the ass deployment. Thank you deployment for ripping another family apart. The kids have missed their dad for the past year now and they have no idea who dad is. They are so confused. They wanted us to just be a family again and they didn't even get the chance of any of that before the fighting started. He returns and BOOM it's off to the races. Both of us are at fault. I resent him for being gone and then coming home and acting as if I did NOTHING while he was gone. He resents me for a billion different reasons. Seems like he list a new one every day but I'm not going to dwell on that. What I'm furious with is the fact that his mind is already made up which tells me he clearly had some doubts during deployment which leads to more of my resentment. He couldn't just say while he was over there that we had some issues we needed to work on? Or he couldn't have been like sorry I enjoy my time to myself far more than I enjoy you and the kids. Some sort of fucking warning or heads up other than coming home a completely fucking different person? I feel so used and taken advantage of. The resentment over him being at ease with his decision in all of this is what pains me the most. He didn't even try nor was he going to. He completely fucking led me on this entire time knowing what he was going to do. I'm sick thinking of it. I feel like I moved heaven and earth for him at times and this is what I get in return. I feel so jaded by our relationship. I try really hard no to dwell on the past or the hurt we've had and he goes and does this? I don't bring up the horrible things he has done but he reminds me every time I try to talk to him of something I said or did. I wonder how he would respond if I treated him the way he treats me? It's a double standard. He can say and do as he pleases yet tells our marriage counselor I would have to be a different person for him to ever even consider our marriage working again. Nice. Way to play by the rules and fight fair. I wish I could just turn off my emotions like he does. It must be nice to just say "fuck it" and move onto something else and not worry about the damage you've caused. I guess those 7 years of marriage were nothing more than just him having someone to actually be there for him and support him. I was nothing more than just a stepping stone. Someone to fill the time for that period of his life.

7 years and he can't even try and work on our marriage? 7 years, 3 kids, 1 move, him having several jobs, joining the Army, IET, deployment, one kid hospitalized, one kid with genetic syndrome, health problems, me working fulltime and coaching and he just wants to throw it all away because each one of us can't get along with each others family? The bulk of our issues stem from our families and our backgrounds. He constantly thinks my family thinks he is a loser and I pretty much hate his family for being the hypocritical judgmental assholes that they are. There you have it. Two stubborn people from very different backgrounds. And here I thought love and commitment can weather any storm.

We weathered deployment but can't seem to get through post-deployment. I'm starting to really dislike words that begin with the letter D; deployment, divorce, distance, different, despair, depression, duty, dark, deceit, dreadful, decision, despise, dedication, defamatory, defeated, defective, deflect, degrading, the list could go on and on.

Despite all the shit that continues to rain on us I still love him and would fight for our marriage. It hurts that he doesn't feel the same way. Rejection never feels good. Stings even more when it comes from someone you really love and thought you could always count on.

Royal Wedding...

WOW beautiful! I didn't get up and watch at 4am like my mom did but I'm watching the replays now and what a great couple. I hope they make it he seems smitten by her and damn if I'm not jealous of his "you look beautiful" at the alter. I didn't get that at either of my weddings! Oh well. I'm plotting how I can secretly find a way for my daughter to marry into royalty - this wedding is amazing to watch! Good for them. They seem truly in love and enjoy each other.

Humiliation

I went to my doctors today. Haven't been sleeping. Panic/anxiety attacks, blah, blah, blah. Doctor is out of town so get complete jackhole f**&^&()()( that completely insults me, does not help me and charges me $20 all in a matter of 30 minutes. He tells me my situation is complicated and he can't really do anything to help but go to the ER. I tell him it's bullshit that a person has to go to the ER to get help for something that could be addressed in his mother *&^%*(( office. Health care cost anyone?

I leave insulted, pissed off and completely worked up over facing another night of no sleep, and panic attacks. Call my mom to vent to someone and get myself worked up even more and decide **^^ it I'll go to ER and waste more insurance money.

Get to ER and explain situation and completely lose it. I'm talking can't breathe, sobbing, heart racing, hands shaking, ears ringing, full blown balls to the wall panic attack. F.M.L. After sympathetic looks of "oh shit girlfriend has lost it" I hear "you're completely stressed out and handling too much for one person, you need sleep and help." Yes 3 kids, 2 jobs, kids health problems, job problems and deployment is tad much. I've lost my marbles and need to get them back.

Doctor orders sleep and the rest of the week off and gave me an anti-anxiety to calm the nerves. I hope it works. And since I'm being a complete whiner can I just add that my husband could give a shit less about all this. Yes it would be nice if he could show he cares just a little. Yes I'm being a baby and his response of "sorry skype u later" hurts my feelings. Skype later I think not. I'm hoping to be in the land of passed the f**& out not feeling anything later on.

You know your inlaws dislike you....

1. They havent been to your house since dh left...

2. They talk with your dh ex fiance more than you...

3. You are not invited to family functions...

Guess I should be thankful to not have to purchase a gift?

God does give us more than we can handle...

I really didn't want to write a "woe is me" post. Or whine about the complete chaos that is my life right now. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, and I'm trying to keep it together for the kids but this has been the most difficult week in my life.

This week I learned that my oldest is being severely bullied

I learned that the bullying is much worse than we originally thought

I learned in great detail how he wants to commit suicide to get away from it all

I learned that I had to admit my child to the hospital to keep him safe and provide him with the help he needs

I learned that his teacher is a raging effing bitch that seriously needs to lose her job

I've learned that the Army's definition of "family emergency" and my definition are two different meanings

I learned that the pain of snapping my wrist or having surgery is nothing compared to the pain of my child's emotional hurting and how much it breaks my heart

I learned that I have to shoulder this all on my own since my husband is 8,000 miles away and cannot come home

I've learned that I'm angry beyond comprehension right now and just want to snap my fingers to take away his pain

I learned that my health insurance company is being pricks about his admission and want him discharged and supposedly I have one of the best policies around....big fat HA

I've learned that no longer can I be the nice complacent parent that just goes along with the schools suggestions about his IEP and needs

I've learned that even though treatment for mental illness has come a long way we still have miles to go

Finally I've learned that hell hath no fury like a mother who's child has been hurt...

"You couldn't possibly understand the life of the military wife"

That statement used to irk me prior to hubby joining military. I mean I understood there was a world out there that I had yet to experience but I figured certainly I could relate, I was once a single parent too. WRONG. I used to think I juggled 2 jobs and a little boy by myself, certainly I could handle deployment and pre-deployment training and all the other BS that goes along with it. WRONG. I used to get annoyed with people that would discount relationships other than those made in the military because "we just didn't get it." WRONG AGAIN.

I used to say his joining the military would never define me and how wrong again I was! It's not that it defines me, but rather it's a huge part of my existence right now based on the fact that I'm here taking care of the kids and working while he's there doing his job. How can that not define some part of my life? I haven't slept in months. When I do fall asleep I wake up with nightmares. When I think to RnR I get stressed about making it perfect. When I think of life after deployment I'm consumed with anxiety about the future and what that means. The military has played a huge role in our family since January 2010 so how is it people can be such insensitive assholes?

Why? Because they just don't get it. They have no clue and it's not even worth trying to explain it. I'm a scattered brain because I haven't slept. My house is little chaotic because he isn't here. My emotional state is completely fragile. My nerves are shot. My hair is a hot ass mess because I haven't had the time to go and get it done. When I do reach out and ask for help I'm insulted. I'm not whining I'm just simply stating the facts. Deployment life is crazy. Hell I'm starting to think military life is crazy and not for the weak. So when I see a counselor and I'm told I need to reclaim my power back and "make time for myself and hang out with girlfriends", excuse me while I bite my tongue for fear of screaming BITCH PLEASE. Hanging out with my girlfriends is the least of my worries right now. And excuse me for not heeding the advice of the all knowing counselor that "you have to hire out help for cleaning and taking care of your kids" when we're still paying off bills. Again people just don't get it. I could try and explain but it would seem like I'm making excuses to them so I just sit bite my tongue and listen. Needless to say that counseling session was a big fat FAIL. Then again what did I expect? It was free counseling through work. Of course the advice is going to be one-sided and not at all sympathetic to the needs of a military family. I live in a state that has NO ACTIVE military bases around not to mention a state full of lefty liberals that like to insert their objection to the military whenever they can.

That being said I think I will try somewhere else and keep on keeping on. I can't fault people for not knowing or understanding life during deployment. If you haven't lived it you just don't know. This is one saying that rings true!