Letters From Home

Eye Candy

2011-12-06T08:03:00.011-05:00

Some days I feel like I work in the only place that charges me $600 a year to park only to drive around and NOT get a parking spot. Love walking 4 blocks in 30 degree weather - up HILL. I need some drop it like it's hot eye candy!

These are not my pictures nor do I have the source. If I did I would gladly credit the source because these spaces are fanfreakingtastic! Gorgeous! Beautiful! Bravo!

Totally feeling the black/white/beige with green accent LOVE!

the D word consumes me

2011-12-01T21:26:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged in ages. There is so much I just don't know where to begin. My head is filled with anxiety and my heart is broken. The sleepless nights are back. Finally the no-appetite is back! The panic and racing heart is back. The always on the verge of panic because you know something is going to happen to come along and knock me on my ass. I feel like I take two steps forward and 10 steps back. I dread the coming holiday's. I'm sick with grief knowing that last year we spent the holiday apart from each other yet this year we'll likely be apart again although not by distance. Not sure how to describe it really. As the marriage counselor said "you can only control yourself and your actions." I can't control that he doesn't want to be married to me. I can't control that he is angry and wants to dwell on words said in heated arguments. I can't control that he feels my family is all conspiring against him. I can't control that despite being gone for the past 18 months he chose school over coming to my surgery and my sons birthday. He could have left school early or worked something out but as he said "he just didn't feel the need to because he didn't want to be there." I guess all I can control is myself and my feelings with all of this. The fact that he wants a divorce without even trying is killing me. I wish he would stop being so selfish and stubborn but I can't control him or his feelings. I can only control myself.

The "D" word consumes me. I hate even saying it. Thinking it is worse. I've been down that long ugly road and I know what it entails. Sleepless nights, lonely holidays crying yourself to sleep because your ex has the kid, missed birthdays, missed 1st day of school, the list goes on and on. I've lived through it and it is hell. He seems almost thrilled by the possibility of not having my son and I around. It's as if he can just forgot about us and it's himself, the two kids we have and his family. It hurts. The pain is unbearable at times. Does he really think that is what divorce is? Just start all over again and everything works out fine? So after a few months he's ready to call it quits? That's where I call bullshit.

I'm putting the blame where it belongs. That stupid fucking ridiculous long pain in the ass deployment. Thank you deployment for ripping another family apart. The kids have missed their dad for the past year now and they have no idea who dad is. They are so confused. They wanted us to just be a family again and they didn't even get the chance of any of that before the fighting started. He returns and BOOM it's off to the races. Both of us are at fault. I resent him for being gone and then coming home and acting as if I did NOTHING while he was gone. He resents me for a billion different reasons. Seems like he list a new one every day but I'm not going to dwell on that. What I'm furious with is the fact that his mind is already made up which tells me he clearly had some doubts during deployment which leads to more of my resentment. He couldn't just say while he was over there that we had some issues we needed to work on? Or he couldn't have been like sorry I enjoy my time to myself far more than I enjoy you and the kids. Some sort of fucking warning or heads up other than coming home a completely fucking different person? I feel so used and taken advantage of. The resentment over him being at ease with his decision in all of this is what pains me the most. He didn't even try nor was he going to. He completely fucking led me on this entire time knowing what he was going to do. I'm sick thinking of it. I feel like I moved heaven and earth for him at times and this is what I get in return. I feel so jaded by our relationship. I try really hard no to dwell on the past or the hurt we've had and he goes and does this? I don't bring up the horrible things he has done but he reminds me every time I try to talk to him of something I said or did. I wonder how he would respond if I treated him the way he treats me? It's a double standard. He can say and do as he pleases yet tells our marriage counselor I would have to be a different person for him to ever even consider our marriage working again. Nice. Way to play by the rules and fight fair. I wish I could just turn off my emotions like he does. It must be nice to just say "fuck it" and move onto something else and not worry about the damage you've caused. I guess those 7 years of marriage were nothing more than just him having someone to actually be there for him and support him. I was nothing more than just a stepping stone. Someone to fill the time for that period of his life.

7 years and he can't even try and work on our marriage? 7 years, 3 kids, 1 move, him having several jobs, joining the Army, IET, deployment, one kid hospitalized, one kid with genetic syndrome, health problems, me working fulltime and coaching and he just wants to throw it all away because each one of us can't get along with each others family? The bulk of our issues stem from our families and our backgrounds. He constantly thinks my family thinks he is a loser and I pretty much hate his family for being the hypocritical judgmental assholes that they are. There you have it. Two stubborn people from very different backgrounds. And here I thought love and commitment can weather any storm.

We weathered deployment but can't seem to get through post-deployment. I'm starting to really dislike words that begin with the letter D; deployment, divorce, distance, different, despair, depression, duty, dark, deceit, dreadful, decision, despise, dedication, defamatory, defeated, defective, deflect, degrading, the list could go on and on.

Despite all the shit that continues to rain on us I still love him and would fight for our marriage. It hurts that he doesn't feel the same way. Rejection never feels good. Stings even more when it comes from someone you really love and thought you could always count on.

Royal Wedding...

2011-04-29T20:30:00.002-04:00

WOW beautiful! I didn't get up and watch at 4am like my mom did but I'm watching the replays now and what a great couple. I hope they make it he seems smitten by her and damn if I'm not jealous of his "you look beautiful" at the alter. I didn't get that at either of my weddings! Oh well. I'm plotting how I can secretly find a way for my daughter to marry into royalty - this wedding is amazing to watch! Good for them. They seem truly in love and enjoy each other.

Humiliation

2011-04-06T20:04:00.003-04:00

I went to my doctors today. Haven't been sleeping. Panic/anxiety attacks, blah, blah, blah. Doctor is out of town so get complete jackhole f**&^&()()( that completely insults me, does not help me and charges me $20 all in a matter of 30 minutes. He tells me my situation is complicated and he can't really do anything to help but go to the ER. I tell him it's bullshit that a person has to go to the ER to get help for something that could be addressed in his mother *&^%*(( office. Health care cost anyone?

I leave insulted, pissed off and completely worked up over facing another night of no sleep, and panic attacks. Call my mom to vent to someone and get myself worked up even more and decide **^^ it I'll go to ER and waste more insurance money.

Get to ER and explain situation and completely lose it. I'm talking can't breathe, sobbing, heart racing, hands shaking, ears ringing, full blown balls to the wall panic attack. F.M.L. After sympathetic looks of "oh shit girlfriend has lost it" I hear "you're completely stressed out and handling too much for one person, you need sleep and help." Yes 3 kids, 2 jobs, kids health problems, job problems and deployment is tad much. I've lost my marbles and need to get them back.

Doctor orders sleep and the rest of the week off and gave me an anti-anxiety to calm the nerves. I hope it works. And since I'm being a complete whiner can I just add that my husband could give a shit less about all this. Yes it would be nice if he could show he cares just a little. Yes I'm being a baby and his response of "sorry skype u later" hurts my feelings. Skype later I think not. I'm hoping to be in the land of passed the f**& out not feeling anything later on.

You know your inlaws dislike you....

2011-04-05T19:28:00.002-04:00

1. They havent been to your house since dh left...

2. They talk with your dh ex fiance more than you...

3. You are not invited to family functions...

Guess I should be thankful to not have to purchase a gift?

God does give us more than we can handle...

2011-03-24T22:36:00.003-04:00

I really didn't want to write a "woe is me" post. Or whine about the complete chaos that is my life right now. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, and I'm trying to keep it together for the kids but this has been the most difficult week in my life.

This week I learned that my oldest is being severely bullied

I learned that the bullying is much worse than we originally thought

I learned in great detail how he wants to commit suicide to get away from it all

I learned that I had to admit my child to the hospital to keep him safe and provide him with the help he needs

I learned that his teacher is a raging effing bitch that seriously needs to lose her job

I've learned that the Army's definition of "family emergency" and my definition are two different meanings

I learned that the pain of snapping my wrist or having surgery is nothing compared to the pain of my child's emotional hurting and how much it breaks my heart

I learned that I have to shoulder this all on my own since my husband is 8,000 miles away and cannot come home

I've learned that I'm angry beyond comprehension right now and just want to snap my fingers to take away his pain

I learned that my health insurance company is being pricks about his admission and want him discharged and supposedly I have one of the best policies around....big fat HA

I've learned that no longer can I be the nice complacent parent that just goes along with the schools suggestions about his IEP and needs

I've learned that even though treatment for mental illness has come a long way we still have miles to go

Finally I've learned that hell hath no fury like a mother who's child has been hurt...

"You couldn't possibly understand the life of the military wife"

2011-03-14T23:32:00.003-04:00

That statement used to irk me prior to hubby joining military. I mean I understood there was a world out there that I had yet to experience but I figured certainly I could relate, I was once a single parent too. WRONG. I used to think I juggled 2 jobs and a little boy by myself, certainly I could handle deployment and pre-deployment training and all the other BS that goes along with it. WRONG. I used to get annoyed with people that would discount relationships other than those made in the military because "we just didn't get it." WRONG AGAIN.

I used to say his joining the military would never define me and how wrong again I was! It's not that it defines me, but rather it's a huge part of my existence right now based on the fact that I'm here taking care of the kids and working while he's there doing his job. How can that not define some part of my life? I haven't slept in months. When I do fall asleep I wake up with nightmares. When I think to RnR I get stressed about making it perfect. When I think of life after deployment I'm consumed with anxiety about the future and what that means. The military has played a huge role in our family since January 2010 so how is it people can be such insensitive assholes?

Why? Because they just don't get it. They have no clue and it's not even worth trying to explain it. I'm a scattered brain because I haven't slept. My house is little chaotic because he isn't here. My emotional state is completely fragile. My nerves are shot. My hair is a hot ass mess because I haven't had the time to go and get it done. When I do reach out and ask for help I'm insulted. I'm not whining I'm just simply stating the facts. Deployment life is crazy. Hell I'm starting to think military life is crazy and not for the weak. So when I see a counselor and I'm told I need to reclaim my power back and "make time for myself and hang out with girlfriends", excuse me while I bite my tongue for fear of screaming BITCH PLEASE. Hanging out with my girlfriends is the least of my worries right now. And excuse me for not heeding the advice of the all knowing counselor that "you have to hire out help for cleaning and taking care of your kids" when we're still paying off bills. Again people just don't get it. I could try and explain but it would seem like I'm making excuses to them so I just sit bite my tongue and listen. Needless to say that counseling session was a big fat FAIL. Then again what did I expect? It was free counseling through work. Of course the advice is going to be one-sided and not at all sympathetic to the needs of a military family. I live in a state that has NO ACTIVE military bases around not to mention a state full of lefty liberals that like to insert their objection to the military whenever they can.

That being said I think I will try somewhere else and keep on keeping on. I can't fault people for not knowing or understanding life during deployment. If you haven't lived it you just don't know. This is one saying that rings true!

NO sleep till Brooklyn...

2011-03-07T00:45:00.003-05:00

I can't sleep. I haven't slept. I slept last night with the aide of Ambien and my parents taking the kids for the night. Other than that it's been insomnia and anxiety since last Tuesday. I have no idea what is going on with me. Is it deployment anxiety/stress? Is it life anxiety/stress? Is it coaching anxiety/stress? Is it parenting ALONE anxiety/stress? My guess its a little of all the above. Throw in pressures at work, deadlines, sick kids and lack of sleep equals some pretty crazy emotions.

I really thought I was hanging in there pretty well and then all of sudden BOOM everything seem to hit all at once. I think the fact that I'm alone, have been alone pretty much since last February, and will be alone for many more months to come is weighing heavily on my mind. The unknown of the future has me completely filled with anxiety. Will we transition right back to where we left off? Will I be able to forgive his family for being complete unhelpful assholes? Will I be able to forgive him for never sticking up for me or the kids with his family? Will he be happy to be home again after being gone so long? So much I'm worrying about when I should be sleeping, if only I could sleep.

Last night was the first night I slept in many nights thanks to Ambien. Except Ambien can make you have crazy dreams. I know they were just dreams/nightmares but it certainly adds to the anxiety when I have nightmares about him never coming home. Gahhhh I need sleep. Sleep, sleep, beautiful sleep!

Numbers consume me...

2011-02-24T12:38:00.003-05:00

I work with numbers. I live with numbers. Numbers consume me. If only I could work my bank account numbers into something magical! Oh well time and money... time, money and HARD work!

2 is the number of Sudifed I have consumed this morning

3 is the number of times I've said "ugh this damn sinus headache go away!"

2 is the number of pant sizes I have dropped

1 is the number of people that have noticed

10.5 is the number of inches of snow we got Sunday

6 is the predicted number of inches we're getting tonight

0 is the number of snowblowers/throwers we own

1 is the number of shovels broken this week

47 is the number of four letter words muttered regarding said white stuff

5 is the number of home improvement projects I want to tackle

0 is the amount I have saved for said projects

6 is the number of times I have looked at this project and screamed WOW - seriously go there now and see this for yourself. It's truly amazing how awesome her countertops came out!

3 is the number of times I have fallen asleep this week instead of skyping hubby :(

2 is the number of new jobs I've applied for

50 is the number of pounds I want to loose to get back to prebaby body

6 is the number I've lost so far

4 is the number of people, places I need to call to schedule appointments

14 is the approx number of weeks until RnR

0 is the number of weeks I wish it was

3 is the number of stores I have called to see if they have snowblowers

3 is the number of stores SOLD OUT of snowblowers

60 minutes is how long I predict it will take to shovel us out tomorrow

60 is the number of four letter words that will be muttered or thought tomorrow morning

45 is the number of minutes it will probably take me to get to work

5 is the number of times I will hear snide remarks about it

5 will be the number of times I'll wish I could exercise my middle finger

0 will be the number I actually do it

0 is the number of minutes left in my lunch hour

Operation: Emily Room Organization

2011-02-22T09:41:00.004-05:00

Princess has issues. And by issues, I mean the girl refuses to part with anything be it toys, pictures, random stickers, etc. At least once a week we have a discussion about her room and the need for it to be cleaned up. She insists that her little brother is the one creating the mess. I remind her that she is the one playing barbies, not him, and we have this same conversation at least 3x per week. Over the holiday's I created a desk/work area for her to help keep the crayons, markers and stickers organized. Working with a ~~non-existent~~ limited budget I went with my old stand by IKEA and created a new space for her spending only $40. I'd like to create a chair cover of some sort, but for now the pink ikea folding chair will have to do until I can channel my inner Martha.

Project Total - $40.92

Ikea chair - $12.99

Ikea shelf - 3.99

Ikea shelf brackets - .99 each

Ikea table top - $5

Ikea table legs - $3 each

Ikea containers - .99 each

Ikea container holder thingy - $1.99

Everything else I reused from around her room. Originally I thought I could re purpose a desk we already had or find something on Craigslist for $10 and under but when I thought about cost of paint, time, sanity, weather and the fact that hubby is deployed, the Ikea route seemed the easier way to go for this project! I'm pleased and she's pleased that she has her own desk area that she can now clutter up with all her stuff.

Ignore the box and change on the floor. I was still in the midst of cleaning everything up when I took this photo with my cell phone. Yeah the camera is broke. Why? I'm blaming the little people I live with....:)

Time to move on...

2011-02-14T21:28:00.002-05:00

Tonight was my sign that it's time to retire and move on from coaching. I love it. I do. However I've aged out of this age-group (high school) and I would probably do better coaching the same age of kids, but on the age-group level meaning mommy and daddy are paying for it therefore, THEY (kid) wants to be there, and mommy and daddy because they are paying make it a PRIORITY for them to be there.

Too many kids are involved or signing up for activities just to put on college applications. This means you get lots of kids, however the number of them that actually want to put forth 150% effort is very little. Yes it's great to encourage the learning process and to be competitive in the college application world. HOWEVER, how can these kids excel at anything when they're taking AP courses, involved in sports, 1st chair band, key club, NHS, Church, volunteering, work, family time, etc., etc. Seriously parents pull your head out of your ass and think for a moment. Why is your adolescent daughter at the verge of tears all.the.time? Why, I'll tell you why. Because she runs from one activity to the next. She isn't able to fully commit herself to anything because she is doing so much. When she isn't working, volunteering, or studying, she is expected to be part of family therapy or family activities. And then you go and schedule that activity DURING practice time meaning she will miss practice, meaning I will be irritated, and her teammates will be pissed. See how that works out? Yeah it doesn't work so well does it. Why not select 1-2 activities and call it a day? This way they can still maintain schoolwork (GPAs), still be part of NHS, key club, etc., and still be able to apply to college and have some sort of chance. And how about teaching your kid how to commit yourself to an activity by demonstrating bringing them to and from practice during schedule practice times? Not when you feel like it. Or not before or after activity a, b, c, d.

And why as parents and society have we let the educators put this much damn pressure on our kids? Yes life is tough. Yes, kids need to learn to be competitive. However, when you allow your band teachers to mandate evening practices on top of the 5 hours per week they already have schedule you create problems. When you allow the college admissions offices to open admission globally don't be pissed when you're kid can't get in. And when did community college for the first 2 years become so taboo? Bitch please is all I can say. Ain't nothing wrong with going the community college route and then transferring your 3rd year. NOT only do you save money, you will probably get a better education when you're not sitting in a lecture hall with 500 other freshman students...just sayin...

We put so much pressure on these kids to be perfect in everything they do yet we don't allow them to just pick something and excel at it. We expect them to do 35 different activities and then get pissed when the kid can't pull through. I'm just as guilty of this. I was more than pissed at a kid tonight after she started crying and complaining she was going to throw up after I swam her 3x in a row. Nothing out of the ordinary and certainly nothing to get upset about but she couldn't handle the pressure and expectation that I was putting on her. I was challenging her and she just couldn't handle it. I have 18 of those kids. EIGHTEEN. I can't spend all my practice time consoling kids and telling them it will all be better when the truth of the matter is "bring your ass to practice every day and this wouldn't be such an issue", but that wouldn't be very PC now would it. I just don't understand these kids today. They are so competitive when it comes to college applications and being able to one-up each other, yet when you ask them to push themselves physically they fall apart. Why? How else do you get better at something? YOU PRACTICE OR STUDY! Why is that concept void when doing sports? Aghhh I just don't get it.

Having spent so many years on the coaching side of kids activities I can tell you that I refuse to do this to my kids. I refuse to have them involved in so many activities that they are constantly running with NO time for anything. I refuse to be that parent that schedules family therapy and other family events DURING practice times. I refuse to watch my kid stay up all hours of the night just to get everything done that is required of them.

So after all that bitching I've come to the realization that I'm just too damn old and crabby to deal with this anymore. I'm tired of spending my free time on people that just completely take advantage of it. And I'm tired of watching really great kids turn into complete basket cases because of the amount of pressure that is placed on them. Needless to say I think I need to retire at the end of this season and take a hiatus for awhile.

One of those days...

2011-02-13T21:11:00.003-05:00

Today for the first time in a LONG time I actually wished to revisit my early 20's. You know the days pre-kids were if you were dog tired and sick you could actually lay around and rest? The days where getting the laundry or housework done were optional and it wasn't the end of the world if it didn't get done over the weekend. Yeah those days...

I'm sick with some nasty bug and would love to just sleep it off but as a mommy that just isn't possible. The kids need clean clothes. The kids need valentine treats for tomorrow's parties. The kids need breakfast, lunch and dinner. The kids need baths, medicine, nail clippings, teeth brushed, etc., etc. I took some sudifed earlier and now I'm high on Nyquil. God I hope something works quick. The body aches and earaches are the worst. I can live with everything else but geesh body aches just go away already. I wish I could take tomorrow off and rest. I wish I could call in sick for myself but its just not possible. So I'm arming myself with 5-hour energy drinks, oranges and lots of water in hopes I'll make it through the day.

I did manage to get the house clean and 5 loads of laundry done so I don't feel like a complete slacker today. Oh and WTF is wrong with my vacuum? All of sudden it's not picking up stuff anymore and seems to be spitting back out the dirt/debris from the bagless container. Anyone have this happen? Okay clearly the nyquil is kicking in....

nighty nite!

4 miles in 59 minutes...

2011-02-11T22:01:00.002-05:00

I actually ran 4 miles in under an hour....and yes I'm dedicating an entire post about it! For many people (runners) this isn't blog worthy material or even anything to get excited about. However for me and my thighs we are jumping for joy. Running and I have never been bff's. Swimming, yes. Running, no.

So now that I've proven to myself and my thighs that I can do it, it's time to step up the healthy eating. I've never been a dieter or crash dieter per say. I'd rather work out for hours on end then keep a strict diet. However, as I've aged and popped out little people, I can no longer get away with eating whatever I want. As much as I would love to sit around eating twinkies and pizza I just can't do it anymore. I'm not going to starve myself or deprive myself of goodies, but I'm definitely counting calories and keeping track of things. I've also been using the kids plates instead of regular dishes to keep portions in check. It's a lot easier to over eat and fill a plate using a regular size dinner plate! Another thing I've done is given up ALL soda. Haven't had one since last weekend and it's friggin killing me. I've also cut myself off of caramel frappe's from crackdonalds. I can have one per week as a special treat and that's it. No more morning crack for me....boo!

So while I don't have grandiose plans of ever looking like I did pre-kids, I do hope to drop 50 pounds so I don't cringe when seeing pictures of myself or walking past a mirror!

Blog Envy?

2011-02-08T12:25:00.002-05:00

Do you ever suffer from it? You know how you read blogs and think "wow this person has the most beautiful house in the world...", or "look at how put together her and her kids are", or "these pictures are incredible, they are so talented, gorgeous, etc., etc..."

Yeah I suffer from that alot. I guess one could call me a slacker but slacker I am not. I'm just a horrendously over worked busy mom of 3 with a deployed husband. Yes I know using the "deployment excuse" gets old but dammit it's the honest to God truth.

Pictures of my house today would include pee on the bathroom floor since the 2 year is potting training and the 10 year old for the life of him cannot hit the hole. And yes the 10 year olds pee is from last week. No I have not cleaned it up yet. Why? Well because he went to his dads house over the weekend and I think he should be the one to wipe it up. He's 10 and has 2 perfectly good working arms. Time for him to start understanding the concept of "piss on the floor...you get to clean it up...mommy loves you!" The 2 year old gets off this time. He's 2 and still learning that his thing shoots in any direction unless aimed otherwise. I can honestly say that the bedrooms are fairly clean. Well that is if you don't count the coloring or stickers on the walls. Or the lovely finger prints going up the staircase. Oops forgot about the ones down the hallway or at the front door. Oh and don't forget boots and mittens all over the place. It's that time of year don't you know...

Candid photos of kids and I would not be very ahem....pretty shall we say? Well the kids would be cute because they are kids and the cutest kids in the damn world if I don't say so myself. Anyway. Like I said the 2 year old is potty training. This means right now he comes home and tears off his diaper/underwear/pull-up and walks around with no pants on. Yes this means his business is always out and about for the world to see. Yes I worry about the door bell ringing. No I'm not so worried about pizzle on the floor. Yes I'm tired of him walking around grabbing his junk. No I don't care that he's sitting on the furniture bare assed. Princess has at least 3 wardrobe changes per day. Usually one outfit consists of leopard print leggings, undershirts, rain boots, headband, umbrella and a multitude of accessories. Again, yes I worry about someone ringing the door bell and seeing the pant less 2 year old and over accessorized 5 year old. No I don't care about the clothing strewn about the household. The little peeps and I will pick it up at the end of the evening. If not....well there is always tomorrow! The 10 year old is fairly put together. Well he's easy at least. Not easy to get to pee in the toilet, shower or brush his teeth, but easy to dress and keep dressed throughout the day. His clothes are sorted by day and he puts them on and that's it. I on the other hand scream of "HAM" (hot ass mess). My hair hasn't been cut or colored since October. No I don't have time or money to do either. No I really don't care right now. Why? Well because I work with shitheads that could care less about me so I could care less that they have to see my unkept hair up in a ponytail 24/7. As for make-up? Yeah that's not happening either. Why waste perfectly good product on people that go out of their way to insult me or put me down? That's like shaving you're legs and lady business and getting no action. Seems like a waste of time and effort to me! I'd rather stay in my frumpy phase during hubby's deployment then get all dolled up with nowhere to go other than to work with a bunch of absolute shitbags! I still maintain looking like a female. You know no unibrow or mustache, but no I don't have this overwhelming urge to look pretty for the dolts I get to hang out with everyday. Anyway didn't someone say the au-natural look was in? Oh they didn't....my bad! I thought it was perfectly acceptable to not wear make-up on a daily basis. Oh it's not? Oh effing well! In the great words of Kim Zolciak "eat shit and die!". That was seriously a joke! If you don't know who Kim Zolciak is you seriously are missing out on the biggest laughable reality tv star evah!

So yes while I sit in my house filled with pizzle and no make-up, I stalk blogs with great envy in hopes that I one day will get my shit together. I will host tons of parties complete with fabulous table decor that would make the designers at Pottery Barn cry, complete with beautiful hair and make-up putting all real ho-wives to shame, and children that look like they are fresh out of a JCrew ad! I will live the life. The beautiful life. The life with perfect children that don't make messes, the life with actual time to purty myself up. The life with husbands sharing beer and football at the grill, while the wives trade recipes and share of plans to rule the PTO. The life of children with no health or behavior problems. The life where the sun is always shining and everything is beautiful. The life straight out of a marketing ad that so many of us try to duplicate. Yes I am envious of.it.all! I want the perfect life!

Until then, the pizzle will get cleaned up tonight. I will work and then go home and make dinner and lunches for the kids. Then I'll turn on the most ridonkulous reality tv show while I hit the treadmill. The kids will be fast asleep in their beds dreaming of the day daddy returns so that mommy can stop being so damn delirious all the time. Until then back to work since my lunch hour is officially over...

I said I would never do one of these...

2011-02-07T09:42:00.003-05:00

and I lied...

I admit I was curious and wanted to see just how much we had left to go. And while I lied, I was right about it depressing the shit out of me. Just seeing it makes it that much more real. I suppose when we only have 25% left I'll be thrilled but until then. BOO.

Too buzzed to write a title...

2011-02-04T22:37:00.002-05:00

The week from hell has come and gone. Thank you Jesus and my mom for getting me through it. Rather than come home from hosting a huge meet and going to sleep, I decided a large glass of wine was in order! My week has been just lovely. They say when it rains or pours. Or I prefer shit storms. For whatever reason unbeknown to me, shit seems to always hit all at once. However looking on the bright side maybe that means the rest of the month will go well?

Sunday - spend day in urgent care for princess ear infection

Monday - car accident-car is effed, get ticket, cry my eyes out, have to call into work A.G.A.I.N.

Tuesday - snow storm from hell begins

Wednesday - snow storm from hell ends...no school, no daycare = no work A.G.A.I.N.

Thursday - prepare for hellish Friday

Friday - HELL

Friday night - completely buzzed on cheap wine because after all I already have the headache so mine as well risk a hangover to go along with it.

So to the week from hell you can kiss my grits. Piss off. Bite my ass. Go eff a tree. Eat my shorts...etc., etc.

And for the love of God in-laws I don't need your money right now. It would be nice if you could spend some time with your grand kids so I can try and reclaim my sanity even if just for a few hours. I appreciate the offer to help with the car expenses, I really do, however my kids need mommy to be sane and functioning. Gah why is it so hard to communicate this to them?

Oh and I just have to share this epic fail of the day. Went to play the national anthem at our meet and "Oh Canada" starting playing. After being completely embarrassed I had to wonder - WTF do we even have "Oh Canada" at the pool? Can we say awkward....yeah....fml...

Holding on...

2011-01-30T21:20:00.002-05:00

I'm holding on to this ride of my life for dear life. I'm not sure where this is going or why, but I'm trying to hang on. Part of me thinks I should just go where it takes me and the other part of me thinks I should fight for dear life for what I feel is right.

I really thought we could make it through this deployment but the reality of the matter is; he's changed and so have I. I do hope we make it but I'd be a damn liar if I said I wasn't hoping he would mature and gain some perspective on things. He is still so focused on him, his needs, his career, that he fails to see my needs, my career, the kids, etc. I'm trying to hang in there and fight through it but I'm tired. I've given him nothing but complete support for his decision since last January. In return I'm not getting much other than him finally fulfilling his financial obligations. Yeah I realize that sounds horrible but when you're married and have kids you take on the responsibility of taking care of them. With the horrible economy for many years I had to carry us financially and it's taken a long to time to catch up. We're still catching up on things but it's light years from what it was a year ago. I do appreciate him for that. I appreciate him for joining knowing he would deploy in hopes of furthering his career. However, I don't appreciate the lack of support I get from him or his dick faced family. It's not easy taking care of 3 kids while working 2 jobs, managing the household, paying the bills, dealing with health problems for one kid and a host of car repair issues that I could write about for days.

There is talk and rumors going around his unit that they will be returning 4 months early. I should be happy about that but honestly I'm not. What will happen when he returns? He has no job to return to? Our finances will spiral out of control again and the kids will be subject to our constant fighting and tension in the house. He seems to think he will come home and go to school full time on his GI bill and get unemployment. The skeptic in me feels this either won't happen or he'll start classes and won't finish like he has the past 4 or so semesters. Plus I'm not believing that you can get unemployment that easily. And really is $230 per week really going to financially keep a family of 5 afloat? No sorry but it's not. Yes many will call me a bitch and I'm sure he will even tell me I'm high maintenance and being a bitch but when we had kids and took on the responsibilities we did, we did so knowing that we would have to work hard to maintain our sort of lifestyle. Unfortunately I will not subject my kids to living in shitty neighborhoods and school districts for a lower living cost. If that makes me high maintenance than so be it. I work 2 jobs so I feel as though I do have a say in things. If I wasn't working or contributing to the household account I could see how he would have a valid argument, but the point is, my kids will not live in shit simply because we can't get it together. I've worked too hard and too long to just throw everything away. I will not go down without a fight. My kids will always get the best I can give them. If that means I go without then I go without. However, my kids will live in a safe neighborhood, go to safe schools, have clean clothes that fit them and have food in the house at all times. I don't give a rats ass what I have to do to make that happen other than it will happen.

I've worked my whole life. Sometimes up to 3 jobs simply because I refuse to let my kids live in squalor. I may not be the best mom in the world or the smartest, but I will give my kids 200% of everything I have. If that means I have to suck it up and deal with him signing on for another deployment simply because he can't find a job back home then it is what it is. Michigan sucks. The job market here is shit and it's going to take some time to recover from the failing economy that has plagued our area for almost a decade now.

I guess the point of this is that no matter how depressed I am, no matter how lonely and sad I am, I will continue to put my kids needs first. If that pisses off husband too damn bad. Like I tell my swimmers, suck it up and do what you need to do to get the job done. Life is hard, deployment is harder but when you bring kids into this word it's your job as the parents to do whatever it takes to provide them the best life possible.

Just have to keep fighting on. Don't give up even when I feel as though I can't go on anymore, just keep pushing forward for the kids. I can do this. I may cry a lot and be completely depressed right now but push forward. This too shall pass. Tomorrow is always another day and you will get through this.

I love my husband more than words can express but sometimes he and I just don't see eye to eye on things. We're both stubborn and usually try to compromise but when it comes to the kids lifestyle, I won't budge. My kids will not grow up in shit. That's not saying we spoil them and give them anything they desire, it just simply means it's our job to provide them with the best resources possible for a good education, stable family life and solid foundation. Call me crazy or snobby or bitchy, whatever, but that's what I want for my kids. The fact that my husband and I continue to bicker over this really pisses me off. I'm not budging...these are my kids. I will die before I let them go without.

Breakdown

2011-01-26T19:20:00.002-05:00

I think its safe to say that we've reached that point in the deployment where I'm annoyed as hell, completely exhausted and at the verge of a breakdown. Scratch that...I think internally I'm having a breakdown I'm just trying to hide it from everyone else. I'm probably not doing a very good job of that either!

The holidays came and went. The kids had a great time and I enjoyed the time off. Then it was back to reality with work, coaching, kids, bills, health issues, life, and doing it all alone. Combined with frigid temps and grey skies I think its safe to say depression has kicked in big time. I'm still trying to combat it all with working out, medication and keeping busy but dammit I'm only one person!

I won't even get into the issues of trying to maintain a relationship while one is deployed. He's just as pissy as I am. Granted we're dealing with some health issues with Princess, but still, if he was here it would probably be WWIII and I'd be the proverbial bitch that I'm frequently labeled as.

You go from missing them to be pissed at them. Why? I knew he would be gone. It's not his fault he is deployed. I'm not mad at him. I'm mad that he doesn't even validate what is going on back home and how hard everything is. When I try and talk to him he starts complaining about how hard it is for him and the conversation turns into him, his needs, his feelings, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I guess I'll talk to my blog because that's about the only place I can let it all out. And now I've just turned into one of those whiny bloggers that always pisses and moans about how horrible things are. See I can't even express myself here without feeling like a whiner.

Ok taking a break from whining...I'm sitting here in Panera and some dude just sat across from me and starting knitting his blanket. Whoa talk about not seeing that every day! Good for him and damn that looks nice and cozy. It's freezing in here! Brrrr....

Back to whining and moaning about life. I should be at practice right now but I had to take a mental health day. I can't even function right now let alone hold in my emotions long enough to not show that I'm ready to lose it. And it's not like I can share that with anyone. I have to put on the front that everything is fine and dandy. HA that couldn't be farther from the truth. But to my swimmers and my kids they don't know that. We'll they might see me stressed but other than that they have no clue and I have to keep it that way. Of course my mom lets me know that my kids do see it and that they are experiencing it, blah, blah, blah. Thanks for the self esteem boost ma! She means well but sometimes I just don't need to hear that shit. And let me just share my adoring love for the greatest inlaws on the planet! That was total sarcasm in case you missed that. Those bleeping, bleeper, bleepity, bleep, bleepers can take a flying leap off a tall cliff. Seriously go eff yourself! MIL ask how princess is doing and I tell her I think she had another episode, doc thinks it's a seizure and she says "oh poor SIL kid and how she has it much worse." Yes you're right she does have a serious handicap but don't dismiss my kids problems right now. We've been through MRI, ER, countless appointments, new glasses and still no answers so don't proceed to make me feel bad for worrying about my daughters health issues you effing hag. That's the shit that pisses me right the hell off. I'm not comparing or trying to make her issues bigger. I'm simply expressing my fear that I don't know how to help her right now since we don't know what the problem is. But thanks anyways for giving a shit and actually being concerned....hag.

Yes I could use some understanding and acceptance of stupid ass people, forgive me as of right now I just don't have the patience or "give a damn" to care. When I want your opinion I'll ask. When I want you to tell me how to raise my kids...I'll ask. When I want to be stalked on Facebook...I'll let you know. When I want your .2 as to what I need to do to fix my life I'll be sure to ask for it. Until then how about a nice big glass of STFU and just listen or give me a shoulder to cry on. Would it be that difficult to just offer me that? Yes it is that difficult which is why I'm venting on my blog.

So yes my life could be horribly worse. My kids could have a horrible disease. My husband could be hurt. Yes I'm fully aware that life could be a whole lot worse. I do have perspective of things and I'm in no way trying to be a drama queen. I'm just one person trying to work 2 jobs while taking care of 3 kids while my husband is deployed. Excuse me for not doing it with a smile on my face 24/7! Damn you super women! You make us non-super women types look like total slackers!

Whaaa, whaaaa, whaa, poooooor me....booooo!

Facebook drama...

2010-12-16T09:17:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe that I'm in my 30's and partaking in FB drama. Well let me rephrase that. I didn't post a link on my FB intending to start drama. I posted this link on my FB wall. Since my hubby is deployed and I'm friends with lots of other people who have loved ones deployed I thought it was worth sharing. Apparently I thought WRONG.

A couple wives and I were commenting on the link talking about how great it was, how we can't wait to be that close to finishing deployment, yada, yada, yada, when crazy ass (SIL) sees it and thinks this means hubby is coming home? Really? Really? It doesn't stop there...

She calls my cell phone 5 times. She emails me. She sends me chats and messages on FB wanting to know when he will arrive. Then she sends the rest of the hysterical emotionally unstable bunch an email telling all of them that he is coming home. REALLY? So now while I'm dealing with issues at both jobs, sick kids, doctor appointments, etc., etc., I get to deal with her going ape shit because I'm not responding to her when she thinks Tommy is coming home. And I have to quote my hysterically funny mother...."his name is TOM for Gods sake"!

I suppose I could have responded explaining myself and the link and what we were talking about.... BUT I made the decision to NOT feed the monster as I like to call it. I don't jump when she says to jump. I don't react. I don't respond, I just ignore it in hopes that one day she'll get it that I'm not interesting in partaking in her dramatic bullshit anymore. She is like a walking, talking hurricane. Completely unable to control herself or her emotions and I have to make a choice to either have that in my life or not. I chose to not have it. I'm doing everything I can to keep it together for my kids and myself so I can't invite that craziness into my life right now. I do owe it to his family to at least send a brief email explaining that NO he is not coming home and that someone completely ASSumed the wrong thing. After that I'm going to have to make a tough decision in either removing them as FB friends or just deleting my account. I'm pissed that these people can't be bothered to help out when I need it, yet they have all the time in the world to stalk my FB and then ASSume things and misinform people. I'm left cleaning up the mess and feeling like the bad guy because I have to say "sorry but he isn't coming home and I'm not sure where you got that info..." God this is so silly. Considering SIL is 40 years old...shouldn't she be more ~~stable~~ mature with things?

The icing on the cake was opening my email this morning to find one from my MIL. She says that she has asked me several times to provide her with the link for the protein drink he wants and that I have not done so. First of all....it's not a protein drink. It's a 5-hour energy drink. I provided you mental giants the photo, the link at Walgreens, and a number of stores (Target, Kroger, Meijer, CVS, etc) that carry said drink. This is not difficult. Why do they make everything so difficult? I mean seriously am I wrong here? I copied and pasted the damn photo into an email so they could have a visual reference? Really? Then again these are the same people that have asked for his address FIVE mother effing times. FIVE times. Do I need to etch it in stone for them to understand it? W.T.F.

I'll say it again. I do not for the life of me understand how my husband survived his childhood in that cluster f(*& of a family of his.

Things that make you go hmmmmm....

2010-12-14T12:55:00.005-05:00

Raise your hand if you remember that lovely lyrical tune of the 90's! The title of that song has me going "hmmmmm" just thinking that someone wrote a song and got paid thousands for THAT. Haha although I could probably write an entire blog dedicated to ridiculous song titles and the amount of money made off of them!

There are many things making me go "hmmmmm" or more like WTF are they thinking? Or WTF is wrong with them. Or how about just W.T.F.!

If the road is covered in ice and my car is sliding down the hill because I can't get traction, how is honking your horn or flicking me off going to rectify the situation? Does flicking me off make you feel better? Does it get you to work any quicker when the light is red and traffic is backed up 3 blocks because of the ice? Hmmmm. If flicking me off and calling me names makes you feel better while driving on that ice go right ahead buddy! And yes that was me waving as I passed by you stuck in another lane of traffic....hahahahaha....and yes I was laughing while shaking my fist in defeat...silly little douche bag!

No amount of salt in the world can melt ice when the temp is -10. Sorry folks but you can't blame the city on bad road conditions this time. Yes 99% of the time they suck and do as little as possible, however when it's FREEZING there is little they can do other than clear the snow. This is Michigan. Either adapt or get the hell out. And while we're on the subject of adapting....why, why, WHY are you driving a smart car on ice going well over 60 on the freeway? Do you have some sort of death wish? Guarantee this would be the same person screaming it's the counties fault for their horrific accident. No moron. It's your fault for being a dolt and driving too fast in icy conditions while driving your silly little smart car.

You can't fix stupid...

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In!

2010-12-10T09:33:00.006-05:00

It's Friday so you know what that means! MilSpouse Friday Fill-In! Check out the party at Wife of a Sailor.

1. What do you see your life like in 10 years?

Hopefully hubby will have a job in law enforcement somewhere. Who knows if he'll still be in the Guard in 10 years. My guess is yes. The kids will be older meaning we won't be shelling out thousands of dollars a month in daycare, however we'll be paying in car insurance and college tuition. Other than that we'll just have to wait and see what the future holds!

2. What do you like most about your job?

Benefits! 15 sick days per year. 24 days of vacation per year. All holidays and the week of Christmas/New Years is off paid. Employee/employer 401k match 5%/10%. Health, dental, vision, legal, FSA, long-term disability, etc. Plus 14 years in...

3. What are three things you do every day, no matter what day it is?

Get my ~~crack~~ coffee from the local ~~crack house~~ McDonalds. Get the kids dressed. Check skype to see if hubby is on.

4. What would you do with an extra five hours in your day today?

Today I would wrap all the presents I'm hiding in my bedroom. Then I would work out and do laundry. Exciting I know. Don't hate...you know you want to spend your Friday night doing the same!

5. What is your favorite Christmas (or whichever holiday you celebrate) cookie recipe (please share!)?

Fatty cakes/cookies

-Go to local store.

-Buy refrigerated cookie dough - it doesn't matter what kind. Whatever kind you prefer!

-Bake cookie dough following directions on package. Don't be the moron that assumes the directions are the same for all brands. This is not the case nor do I know this from personal experience.

-Give kids 1-2 cookies each.

-When kids ask for more tell them the rest got burned.

-When kids go to bed, eat ~~burned~~ hidden cookies.

-Now get on the treadmill and and try and burn off your shame and guilt and hope the kids don't inherit your sweet tooth or bad habits.

I miss you...

2010-12-08T23:06:00.002-05:00

This song pretty much sums up the week!

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you, so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover

Come on in
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
And I’m tired I should not have let you go

Ooooooooooooooooo

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

This is not happening...

2010-12-04T20:19:00.003-05:00

My biggest fear of deployment is slowly underway. I have a huge FEAR of the stomach flu invading our house. Last year it happened and hubby was still home and could at least provide help while I was busy praying to the porcelain Gods. With him gone what shall I do? Princess told me that two kids in her class went home on Friday because they threw up all over the classroom....

So what happens tonight? I'm getting ready to give her and I some cold medicine since we're both feeling like crap and she projectile vomits all over the kitchen. I have never seen anything like it. One minute she's standing there talking, the next she's puking everywhere. Good grief this can't be happening. So I anticipate it will run its course with her this evening, little man tomorrow and me the next day? Let's hope this isn't the long lasting kind. Send some prayers my way please. I'm going to need a miracle to get through puking, cleaning up puke, getting to the grocery store AND working on Monday. No way can I call in sick...God please spare me this illness. Someone needs to be able to take care of the little ones!

Please......

Annoyances of deployment...

2010-12-03T12:39:00.004-05:00

I just have to get this out or I'm afraid I'm going to be one of those people on Facebook that puts a really passive aggressive status update regarding certain people in my life.

Why do some people make a HUGE ordeal out of saying they want to help with the kids while hubby is deployed, going to the extreme of calling AND emailing all the time. Then when I eventually do ask (and it's maybe once a month) they find 101 excuses as to why they can't help.

I would be LESS offended if they didn't offer rather than putting on this ridiculous show and act to their brother/son that they are here, blah, blah, blah. They're about as here as he is.

Why do some people ask about hubby and how's he doing and then when I respond with "ehhh he's doing okay" they come back with a snarky "what did he expect!" Ummmm okay I missed that memo that says just nod and give the simple reply of "he's doing great!". My mistake!

Why do people feel the need to interject how other branches do such and such and well it's much worse here or there or blah, blah, blah. Really just shut up cause you've already pretty much offended me.

Why do people ask about how you're doing then when you try and answer that question they start in with their entire life story or weekend plans, what they did, where they went, the fight with their sister, mother, brother, etc., etc. How about just not ask next time since you're not sincerely wanting to hear what is going on in my life.

And for the love of GOD when I respond to your questions of "what does he want" to include the effing link complete with picture of item, location, etc., etc., please just click on the link and order. I really don't have the time to hold your hand and help you locate 5-hour energy drinks. Really is it that difficult? They are located in every damn check-out aisle in every store I go to but okay I get it - the Walgreens website is just too difficult.

As if that wasn't enough fun for my day I'm told I should really make an effort to go to so and so's birthday celebration on Sunday since they want it to be extra special. Really because you assholes made an effort for MY birthday or MY sons birthday? Ummm no thanks. The kids and I will be grocery shopping and cleaning on Sunday since that is our "get ready for the week" day.

I hate to be the bitchy in-law but these people are crazy and this is just crap that I don't need in my life right now. Go away and then when hubby comes home you can put on your act all over again about how you support him and what he's doing and his family, blah, blah, blah. And you can tell the world about how you survived his deployment and OMG, blah, blah, blah. Ugh I wish these people lived across the country!

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In!

2010-12-03T08:08:00.002-05:00

I'm participating in MilSpouse Friday Fill-In! Check it out over at Wife of a Sailor!

1. If you were given $1,000 right now, how would you spend it?

I'd use it to pay on one of the many bills we have. Not to mention my huge POS car needs some work done on it. So I would probably either put it to repairs or take the $1000 and put towards the pay off since it's likely that we are going to have to trade it in or face huge car repairs every month. Thank you car makers for continuing to make crap cars that don't last more than 5 years!

2. If you had to choose a movie title (a real one that already exists) for your life story, what would it be?

Little Miss Sunshine. Because our life, at times, is completely effed up yet hilariously funny and sweet at the same time.

3. If you were a teacher, what subject would you like to teach?

Gym. Then I could walk around like Sue Sylvester tormenting the kids and teachers. Or I'd teach health/sex ed because someone needs to set it straight that yes kids should abstain, however, they probably won't so here are 27 methods of birth control. Use them and stop having babies and acting like you didn't know or think it could happen. I coach high school kids. Trust me they know a lot more than any of us like to admit they know. Scary but true.

4. Has being a MilSpouse changed how you view holidays or how your holidays are celebrated? If so, how? If not, what hasn’t changed?

Oh yeah...big time! When you're husband isn't around you cherish the moments he is there. You no longer take for granted those holidays you had together. Even if you did spend the day barking at each other cause the kids and inlaws are driving you insane.

5. What is your favorite Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) memory?

This is a hard one. Since I've had kids it's hard to think of a Christmas that hasn't been a good memory?